


The Puzzle I Am

by carolelained



Category: Hard Core Logo (1996)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24494179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolelained/pseuds/carolelained
Summary: Some things are not what they appear to be.
Relationships: Joe Dick/Billy Tallent
Kudos: 7





	The Puzzle I Am

The Puzzle I Am

By CarolelaineD

I was so fuckin tired all the time, tired of being tired too. Shit, that thought brought back more memories of Joe and the reunion tour we attempted to do. Attempted was all it was really was, especially considering it was one big fuck up from start to finish. I guess everything was just way too fresh in my mind to not remember, and for some reason even the drugs weren’t helping me sleep tonight.

Oh yeah I’d done a shit ton of drugs and my body was becoming immune to them, I think my body had also forgotten what warm water was too, especially as I couldn’t even remember when I last showered or even washed. My life had become drugs and more drugs until I passed out, well it wasn’t my fault that Joe was a selfish bastard and had left me here alone.

I guess that was something I’d never forgive Joe for, so we’d had our differences but I hadn’t left him all alone. Shit, I was waiting until after the tour to tell him my new plans, also about how he was still going to be a major part of my life along with Hard Core Logo. I never got that far though because Joe had other ideas, ha like putting a gun to his head and blowing his fuckin brains out.

I realized I couldn’t lay here any longer without taking a shower, and maybe it might relax me somewhat and I could finally get some sleep. I dragged my sorry ass off the bed and into the dingy shower, well this was the best I could do right now as money was tight and soon I’d be out of the motel too. I tried not to think about it as I stepped under the water, then I felt something along my spine and shivered.

I knew it was only the water as it trickled along my back, yet at the time it had felt so sensual and like it was a hand upon me. Fuck I needed to get laid and not feel sorry for myself all the time, not that it would happen tonight though and I’d have to make do with the drugs once more. In the end, I washed and cleaned myself fast and just wanted to get out, my nerves were on edge and it was as if someone was watching me.

I knew it was the drugs, I was at that point where I couldn’t even think straight anymore or know what I was doing half the time. Not that it stopped me popping a few more pills before I got into bed, well at least I was too far gone to think and then the dreams came once more. I felt the hands upon me as they ran up and down my body, every so often they would stop to play with one of my nipples or squeeze my cock. Nights like this always turned me on and I woke wanting more, yet each morning I woke alone and was desperate to find relief.

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew that I was right all along about Billy, the man was nothing more than a fuckin slut that cared shit about anyone other than himself. I’d topped myself because of an arrogant fuckin prick, he didn’t even give a shit that I was gone from his life and that he wouldn’t even see me again. All Billy cared about was getting high, well that and dealing with his sexual frustration.

Well fuck Billy as I would show him just what frustration really was, oh yeah I could torment him to the max and have a shit ton of fun in the meantime. Each time I visited him was an experience all in itself, I started with just the simple touches and the man got off on it, little strokes here and there along his gorgeous body that was now mine. I planned to up the ante each time I came; I’d also make sure that no one would ever touch the man again as he was now totally mine. I’d teach Billy a lesson that he’d never forget as long as he lived, pissing Joe Dick off was the biggest mistake he could ever make.

This wasn’t going to be some tender little romance story either, I would make him pay for rejecting me and not wanting me in the way I wanted him. I would hurt him just as he’d hurt me in life, Billy Tallent’s life was about to take on a totally new meaning. As always I’d wait until night when Billy was in bed, he was always high and it was easy to do whatever I wanted to the body laid out in front of me. It also amused me to watch him afterward, the man would wake up and couldn’t decide whether it was a dream or not.

In all honesty, I think Billy just shrugged it off, the bastard was always horny the nights we’d done drugs in our motel room. Oh and Billy wanted to play around and have some fun afterward, it was only allowed to go as far as he wanted though and what I wanted never mattered to him. I think that’s why this whole cat and mouse game was starting to wear thin now, tonight I was angry with it all and wanted to really hurt Billy. I tried to talk myself out of the pain and anger but couldn’t, I was the one dead and Billy was the one alive and fucking up what he had.

Okay, so it was my choice to end it all and not his, not that anyone could live knowing the man you wanted didn’t want you in the same way. Shit even in death I was cracking up and losing it, I was watching Billy and overlooking my real reason for this visit. Even so, I had to laugh when I pulled the covers back, it would appear that Billy has taken to sleeping in his underwear now. Maybe I was getting to him after all, yet he was way off if he thought he’d be safe wearing them to bed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Deep down I knew that the drugs were becoming a big problem, however so were the fuckin nightmares that plagued me night after night. Each day I woke up feeling far more tired than when I went to bed and it had to change, hell maybe I should get myself a new dealer or something. The man was someone who’d supplied me for months and I’d had no problem, now I was starting to think it was a bad lot or he was cutting it with some other shit.

Money was tight though and I couldn’t afford to flush it all away, also I knew I couldn’t go a night without taking it either. I guess I’d become totally dependent on the shit and needed it more and more, in all honesty, my body craved it as much as the air I breathe. For some reason I decided to keep my underwear on tonight and had no idea why, shit a piece of clothing wasn’t going to protect me from the bogey man.

The drugs kicked in and I felt like I was floating and at peace right now, so I just went with it and prayed that I’d sleep once the high wore off. At least my thoughts remained somewhat pleasant as I thought about my past, life was good at times and I needed to find that peace once more if I wanted to move on. So in the end I rolled over onto my stomach and thought about ways out of this mess, first I would need to go to rehab or something and get clean, Afterwards I would need to find a job or a new band, I wasn’t big headed when I claimed I could play the guitar.

In the end, I fell asleep dreaming about my future and the big star I’d become, shit then once more the nightmares returned and I was far more scared than I thought was possible. Suddenly I felt a pair of hands grab hold of my ankles and pull me down the bed and I panicked, I tried so hard to crawl back up towards the headboard and away from whatever the hell it was. Every time I was pulled back down, then one hand was gone and it became far worse and I started to scream.

The hand that had released me was now ripping my underwear from my defenseless body, then I felt a weight settle over my body and force something into my mouth. It didn’t take me long to realize it was my own fuckin underwear and now I couldn’t even scream, I tried to reach my arm around and grab whoever it was that held me there without any luck. My arms were grabbed and then forced beneath my own body, I knew that I was fucked now and literally pinned to the fuckin bed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Billy was trying his damned hardest to get out of my grip without any luck at all, I’d noticed that I had this energy that also gave me far more strength than I’d had in life. Even so, the best part was when Billy gave up and became putty in my hands. I would show him, despite part of me hated myself for doing this to him and I had to remind myself of all the facts on a constant basis.

The man beneath me was sobbing now as I forced a couple of fingers deep inside his ass, oh my sweet Billy that would always be mine. He tried moving once more and then I think he finally accepted his fate, even though he did try to scream when I removed my fingers and forced something larger into his tight body. Shit, why had the man teased me so much in the past, we could both be alive without any of this anger and hate.

I couldn’t expect anything different from Billy and I knew that too, deep down I had to wonder if the man was ever really my best friend and if I’d imagined it all. The anger returned and I grabbed him hard by his hair, and I lost all control as I started to lick the tears from his gorgeous face. I no longer cared about him or his pain right now, I fucked the man beneath me like I were a man possessed or some wild animal.

Shit maybe I was someone possessed, well I was dead after all and I knew fuck all about death and the afterlife either. Then suddenly a thought crossed my mind and I panicked, what if one day I couldn’t come back or be here with Billy. Last time I’d put a bullet in my own head, how could I do that now when I’m already fuckin dead.

I decided to remove the gag just as I were about to come, I wanted to hear Billy scream for me once more before I finally came and had to leave him again. I fucked his ass hard and knew he must be in agony, yet this time he didn’t even scream out like I’d hoped for. The man below me was broken beyond belief now and I’d done this to him, and I was pleased that he was suffering and even got off on the pain I saw in those gorgeous eyes.

Maybe come morning Billy would blame it all on the drugs once more, the man seemed to be doing far more now than he’d ever done in the time we were friends too. At this rate Billy would be joining me here in the afterlife, for some reason that thought gave me great pleasure, I swear this death thing had turned me into a far nastier person than I ever was in life. My head was so fucked up as I moved away from Billy and just left him there, then suddenly he spoke a few words and I froze.

“Joe where are you when I need you?”

XXXXXXXXXX

I opened my eyes and realized I was alone and in my motel room, not that it helped me shake the nightmares I’d suffered or how ill I felt. Suddenly I felt really sick and felt so scared here alone, even as my brain tried to rationalize it all and remind me that it wasn’t real. Oh and then there was my own body that tried to tell me a different story altogether, I’d gone to sit up and realized every single part of my body was in agony and I was also naked. It was still rather dark as I finally forced myself to get out of the bed and go to the bathroom, my body felt really hot and dirty and I just wanted a shower so I could feel somewhat human again.

I was due in the studio today and knew that I’d struggle to make it there in this state, also soon I would have to decide which was most important to me, it was either the music or the drugs. My life revolved around the music and that was all I lived for now Joe was gone, shit just the thought of not seeing him again was enough to make me want the drugs instead.

Finally, I stepped into the shower and adjusted the temperature so that it was bearable, the clock was ticking and I had to get a move on as daylight was approaching fast and the room was getting brighter. Oh god and then I saw my body in the light and just collapsed to the floor in total shock, both my wrists were bruised as if someone had grabbed them far tighter than normal.

I had no idea how long I remained sat in the shower cubicle, some time must have passed by though as my body was freezing from the water that was now running cold. I pulled myself up and grabbed one of the towels and went into the bedroom, I had no intention whatsoever of looking in the mirror as I was afraid of what I might see, once dry I grabbed some clean underwear and bent down to put them on so I could prepare for work.

That was when I lost it totally and just dropped the underwear on the floor, then I crawled back onto the bed and curled into a ball and lay there hugging myself and crying like a fuckin baby. Oh, I’d noticed the bruises that were also around both of my ankles, hell there were even some on my thighs too. How the fuck could I have possibly just dreamt all of that when there was evidence to claim otherwise, also how the hell could I fight against something that I couldn’t even see.

XXXXXXXXXX

I watched Billy from a distance and realized he was breaking far faster than I’d expected, I’d figured he had a plan and would do something with his day other than lying around in bed all day. The man hardly ate anything at all, shit the only thing he seemed to swallow lately were pills. In the end, time meant nothing to me and I had no idea how long I stood there watching him, not that I was complaining about the view or anything.

After some time, Billy finally woke and went to the bathroom to get a drink of water, and then the man came back to the bedroom and just sat with his arms wrapped around himself as the tears fell. Part of me wanted to comfort him and I couldn’t stop myself from going to him, ever so gently I ran my thumb down his cheeks and wiped the tears away. Oh god and then my eyes were drawn towards his lips and I had to kiss them before I went mad, I wanted everything that he’d refused to give me in life.

Billy must have felt something as he suddenly tried to turn his head away from me, yet that made me angry and now I was becoming pissed off all over again and that wouldn’t be good for Billy. I gently turned his head towards me and found his soft lips once more, now Billy was really crying and trying to getaway. I was really pissed as I grabbed his jaw and forced his mouth against mine, I then kissed him hard before licking all the salty tears from his face.

I knew that Billy would have a new set of bruises come tomorrow, I hadn’t wanted to mark his face like that and I wouldn’t have if he’d just accepted me. Yeah right, I knew if it was happening to me I’d fight with everything that I had. More so if I had no idea who was doing it to me, I guess Billy’s behavior was rather mild considering his circumstances. Well, this was all new to me and I was unsure just how much strength I had or how long it would last, not that it stopped me from slapping him hard across the face.

Billy’s eyes flew open and he stared right at me without even realizing it, shit it was then that I really saw the state he was in. Billy’s eyes were lifeless and his cheekbones were more prominent as he starved himself, the man was slowly becoming an empty shell and nothing more than a cheap street junkie.

Oh now I was really pissed, I gave up my fuckin life for this waste of space, the fucker deserved everything I gave him and I had to keep on telling myself that. Not that it was easy when I loved him the way I did and still wanted him, well I knew that I would never have him any other way now so it was time to make the most of what I had right in front of me.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d opened my eyes and could see nothing, yet I’d swear that I could feel someone’s breath upon my face. Then shit, I sure as hell felt the hand that suddenly slapped me hard across the face. Then within seconds there was an extreme pressure as if someone were trying to strangle me, and I knew there was nothing I could do and would have to accept I could die right where I sat.

I woke sometime later and realized I must have blacked out from the pressure around my throat, also I was still in bed and prayed that I were here in this room alone. I could tell that it was dusk outside and I must have lost a few hours, shit that could be for many reasons when you considered the shit I took. Then there was a loud hammering on the door and I panicked, shit I moved and within seconds I was in the bathroom with the door locked.

“Billy where the hell are you man.”

I grabbed a towel when I realized who it was, shit of course the band would send someone over considering I hadn’t turned up for work in days.

“Just go and leave me alone…”

“Billy we have to talk about this, look we can’t record shit without a fuckin guitarist.”

I knew that he was persistent and wouldn’t just leave, I grabbed the towel that was hung there and wrapped it around my hips before mentally preparing myself. Then I took a few deep breaths and opened the bathroom door, the look on his face spoke volumes with regards to my appearance and I knew I couldn’t talk my way out of this.

“Shit man, what the hell happened to ya?”

“Nothing.”

“You could have fooled me!”

“Just get out of here…”

“I can’t just leave you here like this.”

“Get the fuck out of here now, shit just go before I really hurt you.”

“What the hell is your problem Billy?”

“You for one, look I don’t give a shit about you or Jenifur right now.”

“You know that you don’t mean that Billy.”

“Okay I’ll make this as simple for you as possible, I quit so fuck off and don’t ever come back.”

“You’ll regret this Billy.”

“Whatever…”

I stood there and never moved until I heard the door slam behind him, then I returned to the bedroom and crawled around the floor looking for all my clothes. I had somewhere to go and I just wanted it over with, hell I figured what the hell were a few more drugs after what I’d taken lately. Also I figured it might help me pass out and not have to deal with all this, not that I could think of a way to deal with any of this, I couldn’t deal with something that I couldn’t see or even understand.

XXXXXXXXXX

I reappeared in Billy’s motel room to find it empty, shit had Billy really moved from that bed and this room. Well damn, maybe there was hope for Billy after all and he might just sort his fucked up head out once and for all. I’d seen people out there on the streets and was well aware of what too many drugs could do to a man, hey at least I only took them now and again for recreational purposes. Not that I needed any form of drugs as Billy was all the drug I wanted and needed right now, even the bed smelt of the man that had recently lay there.

Shit, I was starting to get really sentimental and that wasn’t good, if I let my guard down Billy would destroy both my heart and mind. Yeah right, that warning and I still couldn’t stop myself from laying down on the bed where he should have been, and it felt so good and I realized it could have been like this when I was alive. I held the pillow close to me and imagined that it was Billy that I held, this was good and kept me somewhat sane and I needed that, especially as Billy wasn’t here and I didn’t even know when he’d come back.

I was glad that he’d moved from the bed, yet a big part of me was scared as to where he might go and what he might buy while he was gone? My mind wasn’t brilliant right now and I kept forgetting stuff, hell what could I expect after the way I’d abused my body and mind when I was alive. There was something I was forgetting though and it was like a fog covered my brain, shit then suddenly I remembered why Billy had locked himself in his motel room in the first place.

Billy was going through withdrawal by choice and wanted to get clean as he was fucked up, shit then that meant the man had lied all along about what his plans were as he was still using. I soon moved off the warm bed and had a good look around the room and came up with nothing, that meant he was cleaning up his act, that or the man had gone to buy more.

Shit, I swear that I’d kill Billy if he came back with a new supply, well that or I’d scare the shit out of him so that he was far too scared to touch them again. All I had to do was wait for Billy to return and then I could have some fun with him, and that was something that I loved and would never get old as long as I could remain here. Great, that was a thought I didn’t want to have right now as it scared the hell out of me, it was then that I realized Billy scared the hell out of me too and without him I was nothing.

XXXXXXXXXX

Scoring was easy when you knew the right people and where to go, coming back to this shit hole was far harder on me and I didn’t want to be here. I knew that I was still as fucked up as ever and getting worse, shit I even tried to rationalize what had happened without any luck. I’d try to tell myself that none of it had happened and it was my imagination.

I even tried to think of ways that I could have done it to myself, in the end I just figured it was a bad batch of drugs and must have been mixed with some serious shit. I opened the motel door and looked around the room that had temporarily become my home, and it was all okay and just as I’d left it.

There were no strange sounds or smells to make me think someone came while I was gone, not that there was even when I thought someone was here. The room smelt of me and the time I’d spent in here, that was when I realized that my clothes would all need washing along with all the bedding. Sleeping in that bed and on those sheets wouldn’t help my mental state, not that I wanted to go and sit in some laundry with everyone looking at me.

I knew that I was dirty now in way more ways than the normal person, to the outside world I looked like a junkie in need of his next fix. That thought made me start laughing like I’d finally lost the plot, hell maybe I had after all. They would see me as a fuckin druggie because that’s what I was, shit and now I didn’t even have a job or a band to play with.

I guess it didn’t help that I had moved on to the stronger stuff now either, I’d done some shit and now my body was becoming immune to most drugs. This was the hard stuff though and I knew it would hit hard or even kill me, great and I knew once hooked I’d do anything to get some more. I guess that thought disturbed me somewhat too, just how far I was willing to go to get that next high.

I guess that was something that I could figure out when the time came, for now I put the powder and stuff I’d need on the table beside the bed so it was all ready to prepare, I also pulled out my lighter and placed it alongside the heroin and syringe. Soon I had it all ready and laid out so it would be easy to heat it up, first though I wanted a really fast shower to get rid of this smell that was apparently now part of me. Nothing would matter soon enough as I’d be out of it without a care in the world, well as long as this was really the good stuff and I didn’t end up really in the clouds so to speak.

XXXXXXXXXX

I returned to Billy as it was where I wanted to be right now, and it wasn’t like I had to be anywhere or do anything else with myself now I was dead. It’s strange because I always thought death would equal hell and the devil himself, where instead I got to stand here and watch a hot naked Billy in the shower.

I still loved watching him when he didn’t realize I was there, just taking in every little detail that was purely him, the man had many little tendencies that made me love him all the more too. Even so, I had to admit that Billy had changed somewhat and that usual smile of his was long gone now and that hurt to see him like this.

Finally, Billy turned the shower off and walked into the bedroom in his full naked glorious form, then he just sat there on the bed without even dressing and I wanted him so much right now. Maybe this time I would be gentle with him and show him what could have been, I wanted to make love to him and prove that hey Joe Dick did have feelings despite what they all said.

I went over to the bed and ran my fingers down his spine causing him to shiver, I then pushed him back so that he now lay there beneath me and where I wanted him to be. I was rather surprised that he just lay here and never fought me off, maybe Billy had finally accepted the inevitable and wanted the contact. Shit was he so desperate that he’d accept the touch of something he couldn’t see, well not that any of that mattered to me anymore as I were dead.

I was really getting into this and it was different to have him like this and to love him, then I happened to look up and that was when I saw the table and what was on it. All my good intentions flew out of the window, I wasn’t an idiot and knew heroin when I saw it. I also knew what the fuck it could do to someone and I didn’t want that for Billy, chances are he’d be hooked in days and dead within weeks if he took that shit.

I couldn’t help myself as I backhanded him, then he just lay there as I used my strength to throw the contents of the table to the floor. Billy’s eyes opened and looked around the room, then the bastard made the mistake of trying to get away from it all.

Within seconds I had him slammed back down on the bed, then I used my body once more to pin him there as I hit him hard once more. Well fuck this, maybe it was time to make myself appear to him and let him know who it was that had him here.

I put all my energy into it and then Billy’s eyes told me that he could see me, the man beneath me looked absolutely terrified before he finally managed to speak. It was at that moment I realized the real Billy was still in there somewhere, the Billy that I’d come to love more than life itself.

“You fucker…”

XXXXXXXXXX

My fuckin head hurt from the force of the backhander, then suddenly everything on the table and gone flying before finally landing on the floor. I felt trapped underneath a weight that kept me pinned to the fuckin bed, then suddenly something changed and there was like some ripple in the space above me. I guess then you could say that everything really started to make sense now, especially as my attacker fully revealed himself right before my eyes.

“You fucker…”

“Aw, aren’t you pleased to see me Billiam?”

“Get the fuck off me right now!”

“No chance.”

“Fuck you as none of this is real anyway, it’s just the drugs and all in my head.”

“Is that what you really think Billy, shit you always did live in your own little fucked up world.”

“Go to hell Joe.”

“Been there done that.”

I tried my hardest to get free without any luck, then suddenly Joe backhanded me once more and I blacked out for a few seconds. Finally, my head started to clear and I couldn’t fuckin breathe at all, shit I was going to die right here in this shitty bed. Oh god and then I opened my eyes and realized why I couldn’t breathe; Joe was kissing me and had forced his tongue deep inside my mouth.

I tried once more to fight him off and realized he fuckin got off on all of this, and worse was the fact that he wasn’t the only one this was affecting either. Joe was too close to my groin and my fuckin traitorous body seemed to like it, Joe just ended the kiss and sat there laughing at me and I lost it.

“What the fuck do you want from me Joe?”

“Only what I always wanted from you Billy, you were always such a cock tease and everything was always on your terms. It was always a case of stopping when you said so, shit you’re nothing more than a fuckin slut and just used me Billy.”

“That’s not true, please Joe…”

“Fuck you Billy, this time I’m the one calling the shots and it’s my game we’re playing.”

I knew there was no way of stopping Joe when he got like this, the man wouldn’t stop until he’d got what he wanted and proved his own point. So, I had to lay here now knowing who it was that raped and abused me every night, the same man that I’d loved since I was a kid and who I still did love.

Oh, I lay there and took it, knowing exactly what I planned to do the very next time I found myself alone. I couldn’t live a life with nothing but drugs and abuse, I’d had many years as a kid suffering abuse and no way was I doing it all over again now. I knew the heroin was somewhere on the bedroom floor, and I also knew there was enough to end my sad pathetic life. Shit, then I heard someone at the door and prayed the drugs would work fast, not that I knew if this was all real or just drug induced.

XXXXXXXXXX

Well, I had to admit that death was far more fun than I thought it would be, well especially when I got to do far more now than when I was alive too. Everything just felt so real and I could easily spend eternity like this, as now I was free from all the bad stuff and drugs that were my whole fucked up life.

I’d still flipped out though when I noticed the drugs near Billy’s bed, shit and then the look on his face when he realized that it was me haunting him and making his life hell. Well fuck Billy as I would return later and this time I would make sure he knew where he stood with me, it was just a shame the fucker hadn’t learned his place when I was alive.

Things changed though and I never did go back to see him that night, mainly because Billy had suddenly turned up in my world and that could only mean one thing. Shit despite everything the man had managed to change the game, good old needy Billy who had to always fuckin win in the end. It pissed me off to no end, especially when I didn’t want him to be dead and gone.

Okay maybe I was a selfish bastard, not that there was anything new there when it came to Billy. Well, I was better than this and would just learn to adjust, and now I had to hope even in death that I was stronger than him and could still get one upon him.

“What the fuck…”

“Well, I did warn you that your mine Billiam, I guess you never really listened to me even when I were alive!”

“Fuck you Joe.”

“Ha, in your dreams Billiam…”

“You’re a complete fuckin bastard Joe, shit you made me fucking kill myself because of what you did to me!”

Billy looked really pissed now and I couldn’t blame him, shit then suddenly he lost it and lunged at me. The bastard took me by surprise and within seconds we were on the ground, and then something changed and I watched as Billy suddenly disappeared.

Everything was white and it made my head hurt having to look at the blinding light that came from it, and then I was floating and it was as if someone was pulling my body up from the ground. At first, I had to close my eyes and just accept whatever happened as I had no control at all, I literally felt as if I were suffocating and couldn’t even breathe.

Then I heard some noise in the distance and my eyes flew open, shit that was when I realized I wasn’t even dead and was stuck in some motel room. Fuck then I remembered what I was doing here and how I was trying to kick the drugs, that was when I also remembered about Billy and his plan to do the same.

XXXXXXXXXX

I opened my eyes as the banging was starting to make my head pound, shit why the hell did everyone have to knock on the door like they were the fuckin police or something. It was then that I realized I was still alive, also there was no sign of any drugs or drug related stuff. Fuck now I was unsure if I’d even taken them at all, especially as I had a vague memory of Pipe coming into the room to check on me.

Oh shit that meant one more thing too, was the whole Jenifur thing just a fuckin glorified dream too and then there was Joe. God no, I didn’t want to live if Joe was really dead. Then I had some memory of other things that had happened to me that involved Joe, my brain was working through it all as the room door suddenly flew open and there stood Joe.

“You could have opened the door Billiam, shit you always have to be a bitch about everything.”

“Get the fuck away from me…”

“Billy it’s me, shit are you still out of it or something?”

“Come near me and I’ll fuckin kill you.”

I jumped up off the bed and made a run for the small bathroom, shit I had to get away from this man and what he’d done to me. How the fuck could he just stand there so casual like nothing had happened, I was starting to think I’d need a padded cell very fast at this rate.

Then I felt Joe grab me from behind and shove me down on the bed, then I had to suffer as the bastard used his body weight to keep me pinned where he wanted me. Now I totally lost it and started screaming, well that was until the fucker placed his hand tight over my mouth silencing me in the process.

“Shut the fuck up and I’ll move my hand, I don’t know what the fuck your problem with me is Billy but you need to deal with it. Sort yer shit out and then come and find me, as right now I can’t work with another fuckin basket case.”

Joe moved his hand away and stood back up before moving away from the bed, and all I could do was bury my head into the pillow as I sure as hell couldn’t look at the man right now. Everything that had happened was all way to recent, and if I were to be honest with myself, Joe scared the shit out of me right now.

I lay there and waited until I heard the door shut behind Joe, only then did I move and try to deal with all of this. I had faint bruises around my wrists and that was about it, yet I knew that wasn’t enough to confront someone like Joe with. Joe was the type that would laugh in my face and call me a needy bitch, yeah his needy fuckin bitch.

XXXXXXXXXX

Jesus my life was so fucked up with or without the fuckin drugs, oh yeah go through withdrawal and it’ll make life so much easier. Yeah right, I think someone forgot to give Billy that little fuckin bit of information. The man’s more fucked up now than he was when he was taking drugs, shit and what the hell was his problem with me all about.

I had very vague recollections about shit that had happened lately, however I knew that I hadn’t even seen Billy for nearly two fuckin weeks either. Well, Billy always was a fuckin good actor, especially if it got him the attention that he so much craved and wanted all the time. I loved the man and he was my best friend; it still didn’t stop him from being a needy little fuck and always putting himself first. Well someone around here would know something and have at least a few answers, in the end I found John and questioned him despite his unwillingness to talk.

“What the hell happened to Billy; I need to know why he has this sudden fascination with wanting to kill me?”

“Bill... Billy tried…”

“Fucks sake, just take a deep breath John and spit it out.”

“I don’t know, we… we stayed away and only saw him once.”

“Yeah well, how was he when you did see him?”

“He managed to sneak out and buy drugs.”

“Did he manage to take them?”

“No, Pipe went in and took them off him.”

“Shit, what and Billy never even put up a fight?”

“Pipe says he was sat on the bed crying, turned out the drugs and shit were all over the floor as if someone had thrown them there.”

Great now I was starting to wonder if my dreams were somehow fused with Billy’s, well John wasn’t the easiest person to get the answerers you needed and I gave up in the end. Fuck this, I’d done the two weeks and not touched any drugs so they could all fuck off for all I cared. One thing I did know though; I couldn’t deal with Billy until I had a few strong drinks inside me.

On the upside, John was the easiest to get money out of when I was broke and desperate. So, I took a walk to the nearest liquor store and bought the strongest whisky I could afford. The plan was to go back to my motel room and get as drunk as possible with what I had, then afterward I’d go Billy hunting and deal with the little fucker one way or another.

There were ways of dealing with Billy and it had always served me well in the past, I had this way with him and he always saw my way in the end and caved no matter what, he was also so much fun and like putty in my hands at times. Hmm, I realized it might take a bit more work though this time, well just the thought of him naked and in my hands was all the inspiration I needed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Okay I’d decided that I must be going mad and tried to sort my head out, I also tried to avoid Joe as much as was humanly possible. Especially as we started arguing the very minute we set eyes on each other, and now it had reached the point where we’d pissed off John and Pipe too. It was so bad that they started going out just so they could get away from us and all the arguing, I just stayed in my room until I ran out of something and had to go out.

I was glad that we had no gigs for a few more nights as I wasn’t up to it, shit I wasn’t up to standing on a stage and singing with Joe either. Not that it mattered, finally the day came that I ran out of smokes and I had to go buy some more. I’d left without a problem and even grabbed some more food and stuff while I was there, then I returned to find Joe in my room and sat on my bed.

“What the hell do you want Joe?”

“Just to talk, we can’t go on like this Billy and still be in the same fuckin band.”

“So, talk then and make it fast.”

“Shit you always were a pissy fuckin bitch Billy.”

“Fuck off then.”

“Woe is me; life is so hard for poor little Billy. You had a few nightmares and you carry on like it’s the end of the fuckin world, just grow the fuck up Billy and deal with this shit.”

I lost it and went to punch him, yet he’d seen it coming and he moved faster than I’d thought he could. Suddenly I was on my back and pinned to the bed by Joe, shit this was all way too close to the dreams and I was just thankful that I was still fully dressed.

“Get the fuck off me Joe…”

“Tell me about your dreams Billy, what the hell made you hate me this much?”

“I don’t hate you Joe.”

“You could have fooled me Billy, shit you can’t even be in the same room as me without going off on one.”

“I don’t hate you; I just hate some of the things you do. You put a fuckin gun to your head Joe and pulled the trigger, shit then you…”

“What, I do it at the end of most gigs and you never got like this before.”

“You were dead Joe, you put a fuckin bullet in your head and splattered your brains all over the pavement.”

“Billy it was a fuckin nightmare and nothing more, it was the drug withdrawal and no need for you to get like this.”

“There’s more but you won’t understand, look just leave me alone Joe and I’ll deal with it in my own time.”

“Have it your own way, I can’t be arsed when you behave like a whiney fuckin bitch.”

“Joe would you ever really hurt me, like sexually I mean?”

“What the fuck…”

“Forget I asked, look we can talk later as that’s all I can offer right now.”

“I’ll take what I can Billy, just make sure you’ve thought this through.”

Joe left and I knew I had a lot to think about, all this would have to be dealt with one way or another and tonight no matter what.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had no idea what the fuck was going on in Billy’s head, shit I’d also nearly freaked out when he’d asked me if I’d ever hurt him in a sexual way. If that were the case I’d have fucked the man years ago instead of playing games, not that I had any problems and would take the messing around over nothing at all.

The thought of having Billy where I wanted him turned me on and that wasn’t helping either, how the hell could I go see him later if I couldn’t get my head out of the fuckin gutter. It didn’t help that Billy had always had that effect on me and always would, that was why we had to sort this mess out.

I was willing to agree to anything if it kept him by my side, no way was I willing to lose Billy after all the years we’d stayed together. Shit, maybe I was the idiot and should come right out with it and tell him what I want, also how much he means to me. No I couldn’t do that, especially when I couldn’t even admit the whole love thing to myself. Some people would think it was perfectly normal wanting to keep all this hush hush, admitting that you were queer and wanted to fuck your best friend was difficult.

I wasn’t the type that gave a fuck about anyone else or what they thought, so it wasn’t like I could even use that as an excuse for my behavior. Well, I’d have to figure all this out and fast, then I thought about Billy and wondered what it was that he really wanted from me. I guess I’d always seen everything from my side and forgot that it was a two way thing. Not that Billy had ever hinted to wanting more, he’d never even admitted how he felt about me and what we did together.

Okay that was what I’d do when I went back to see Billy, I’d play it cool and forget all about the things that I wanted. I would have to get Billy to open up to me, coax him into telling me what he wants and where the hell I stand in his life. That way I can walk away if he wants it to end, that or we just carry on the way we are. As I knew I had nothing to lose really and it was something that I had to know, could I still want Billy if he had no feelings for me.

Oh yeah I could carry on playing our games, however the price would be my heart and soul and I didn’t think I’d survive in the long run. To see Billy knowing that he’d never be mine in the way I wanted, not that he’d be mine in any other way either. I knew I was asking a lot and it might never happen, so tonight we’d lay our cards on the table and take it from there. Tonight, we would move forward together or apart and alone, we’d played the game for far too long and we were both getting too old for all this shit.

XXXXXXXXXX

I’d thought about my whole fucked up life and where it was going, I also tried to imagine a life without Joe in it too. Oh yeah, I was the hotshot that always craved more and was never happy with what I had, yet the drug induced hallucinations had really creeped me out. The thought of a life with Joe out there somewhere was one I could live with; a dead Joe was a totally different matter though.

I spent my life knowing Joe was always there in one way or another and I could go to him if need be, shit I was fuckin idiot and just didn’t want to admit the truth to myself. I was in love with him and always were right from the very start, shit and even the concept of love and the pain it caused scared me shitless too.

I knew that was the reason I’d only ever fooled around with Joe, to take it further wasn’t something we could do without one of us getting seriously hurt in the process, shit and normally that someone was always me. Joe wanted the thrill of having me, where I was the one that would want some sort of commitment from him. I guess I wanted him to, shit I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore.

I didn’t expect all the flowers and shit as that so wasn’t Joe, I just didn’t want to be some toy that he got out and used just when it suited him either. The games we played were good and I still wanted that, I just wanted it to be on equal grounds though with Joe acting like an adult now and again.

Joe was as immature as fuck at times and didn’t care who he stepped on to get what he wanted, he even claimed that he loved me and I was his despite him always wanting more from me. Okay so maybe Joe did love me in his own fucked up way, just not the same way I wanted him to love me. It was a losing battle and I fuckin knew it, and after the dreams I wanted the man more than I’d ever wanted him before.

I guess the inevitable would happen soon and I’d no longer have the ability to say no to him, I also think deep down that Joe knew that and was just slowly chipping away at all my defenses. Oh and it was working too, to be honest I don’t think I could be near him again without caving in, and that also scared the shit out of me as he’d be here soon.

I think that was one of the reasons I came to the conclusion that I did, I’d come to that fork in the road and had decided which path I would follow. The fork wasn’t so simple though or the path I’d follow, especially as the path itself would also lead off in two directions, and that outcome would depend on Joe.

Joe always wanted to fool around and it would be easy to get him in the mood, I’d decided that tonight I would offer him the very one thing that he wanted and see what happened afterward. Joe would either be clever about it or want more. I guess that would be where I’d tell him what I wanted, and that was all of him and that he would be mine too. I wanted no more lies or games between us, also I want him to be faithful to me and no fucking whores or groupies anymore.

I had a feeling Joe will run a mile if I so much as suggest that shit, well if he laughed and didn’t want the same thing I’d have to accept it and just move on without him. This time it would be final though and there’d be no looking back at all, I guess it was a make or break situation.

There were things I’d have to do before tonight though, and that meant getting my backside moving and sorting it all out. This room for one, the place still smelt like someone had just fuckin died in here and it would need cleaning. I guess that’s what happens when you kick the drugs and just spend days in the bed, okay maybe I should have sorted it after but I wasn’t in the mood.

I explained to the motel staff that I’d been ill and was in bed for a while, at least they believed me and provided me with some clean bedding and plenty more towels. The only condition was that I changed the bed myself as the cleaners had left the day, so I spent the rest of the day cleaning the room and then having a long shower.

The two of us had always acted after drugs and drink, everything was this huge need that came after most gigs and Joe could never get enough. I could go back years and know that not a lot had changed with the man, he was always wanting more and had a high sex drive right from when we were barely teenagers. Tonight would be different though, I wouldn’t agree to any drugs and Joe would have to provide the alcohol if he wanted it.

In some ways I planned to seduce him, well that or just outright tell him what I wanted. Afterward was different though and all I wanted was the truth, for that Joe would have to be sober and drug free if I were to believe what he said. Joe would say anything when he was high and I knew it, there was just one other thing that worried me about all of this though. Shit would I flip out and just remember how he hurt me in my dreams, or would I realize that wasn’t him and let things just take their own path.

Fuck this, too much thinking was doing my fuckin head in. So now I sat here on the bed dressed in just my jeans and a tee shirt smoking, and as soon as Joe arrived it would be time to get this show on the road.

XXXXXXXXXX

I had mixed feelings about going to see Billy tonight, not that I had any choice as this had gone on for far too long. First I downed a few mouthfuls of the cheap whisky before taking the rest with me, now at least I was starting to feel somewhat relaxed. I was even good as I knocked and waited instead of just barging in, finally I heard Billy telling me to come in.

The man was sat on the bed with his legs crossed, shit it was like going back in time and it was twenty years ago. That was how Billy had always sat when he came over and we hung out in my room, he even had the same lost look upon his face.”

“Joe sit down.”

“Shit, sit where Billy?”

“Just sit on the bed, shit Joe I think we’re old enough to be able to sit down and just talk to each other don’t you…”

I sat right at the edge of the bed and tried to avoid his face as he stared at me, then I just shoved the whisky into his hands as some sort of distraction. I felt like I was a fuckin virgin on his first date, and that was something I hadn’t been in a very long time. Finally, Billy took the hint and went to get a couple of glasses, shit just the way he moved was having an effect on me and my jeans were getting rather uncomfortable, and I’d only just fuckin got here.

God then Billy returned with the drink and I just downed it in one, Billy grabbed the glass and I thought he would refill it and hand me another one. Instead, he turned and placed it on the table beside the bed, then I was fucked as he moved even closer between my parted legs and pushed right up against me. Fuck and I thought I had problems when he was just sat on the bed, now this was just pure torture and he was so close to me and I wanted more.

“Billy, what are you doing?”

“I would have thought that was obvious, hell you can’t sit there and tell me you don’t want it Joe.”

Surely Billy could see what this was doing to me as I fell apart where I sat, my face was level with his stomach and I didn’t even have the courage to lift my head and look at him. The tears slowly fell and I was falling apart, yet all I could do was lean against him and hide my face in his tee shirt so he wouldn’t see me. Then suddenly Billy took a step back and knelt right in front of me, and that was when I realized I had nowhere to hide.

“Billy please.”

“What’s the matter Joe, I’m only giving you what you’ve always wanted.”

“You know that I want to go farther than you do Billy.”

“Jesus Joe, do I have to spell it out for you?”

“Yeah, maybe you do Billy, as I don’t want to be accused of fuckin molesting you or something.”

“Fine have it your way, I Billy want you Joe to fuck me. Surely even you understand that Joe?”

“Shit Billy, you wanted to kill me not so long ago.”

“Fine, I’ll make it easier for you.”

I never even had time to answer, Billy stood there and pulled the tee shirt over his head and then off. Then I was totally fucked as he unfastened his jeans and started working them down over his slim hips, yeah even more fucked when I realized he was naked underneath them. We’d messed around in the past but this was different, it was as if Billy was trying to seduce me and it was working. God and then he casually walked back over to the bed and just lay down, the man was so fuckin hot and all I could think about was driving my cock deep into his willing body.

“Earth to Joe.”

“What?”

“Joe strip for me, I want you to get naked and then get your ass on this bed and fuck me.”

Well, I guess it was all down to me and there was no way I could refuse him, especially as I wanted Billy like this for over twenty years. So many years had passed and I still loved him as much now as I did back then, and I’d take this and just pray that he didn’t hate me afterward.

I did as he asked and soon went back over to the bed minus all of my own clothes, shit then like an idiot I just stood there and was afraid to break this perfect fuckin moment. Billy actually wanted me without all the anger and hate, he was laid there like some fuckin sacrifice and I couldn’t get enough of the image before me.

“Joe…”

“Yeah?”

“Are you afraid to touch me or something, what so you’re just a fuckin pussy and all talk underneath?”

“Billy, why are you doing this?”

“Just answer the fuckin question Joe.”

“I’m not a fuckin pussy Billy, it’s just I might lose it and give you far more than you want.”

“I want you to lose it Joe, shit I want it fast and hard. I want you to use me the way you’ve always dreamed of, as I’ve seen the way you look at me and know what you really want!”

“Fuck you Billy.”

“Please do…”

“Turn the fuck over Billy, and just remember you asked for this.”

I watched as Billy rolled over onto his stomach and lay there waiting, not that he had to wait long as I were desperate here and had to move. I shoved his legs wide apart and then knelt between them, and then I had to taste him and soon started licking and biting his neck. Then I moved onto his back and licked the full length of his spine, up and down I went but always stayed above his waistline. Billy had made me wait years so I’d be damned if I were rushing this, also I was scared that this was a one off and I’d never get the chance to touch him like this again.

Soon Billy was making strange noises and turning me on even more, well he wanted it rough and that was how he was going to get it. I had to rely on my own pre come and spit as we had nothing else, not that I gave a shit as I forced my erection deep into his tight ass. I knew it was hurting him and I just kept going, I wanted him to accept every part of me and remember who it was doing this to him.

I pulled back and repeatedly shoved myself back in hard, all the time Billy was trying to hump the fuckin mattress. Not that I’d last long myself as this was like a dream come true for me, so I reached underneath him and grabbed his cock in my hand and soon worked up a rhythm.

“Come for me Billy, I want you to accept that it’s me doing this and also to admit that you’ve always wanted me.”

“Fuck Joe…yes I’ve always wanted you.”

“See that wasn’t so hard was it.”

“Just make me come you fuckin cunt…”

“Language Billiam, ask nicely and I might do it.”

“Please make me come you fuckin cunt.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at Billy’s idea of asking nicely, not that it mattered now as I’d be coming myself real soon. So, I kept up the rhythm and soon Billy was calling out my name as his body climaxed and shook beneath me, the sight alone pushed me over the edge and I collapsed on top of him totally spent. I felt on top of the world and it was the best orgasm I’d ever had, then I was brought back down to earth hard as I realized Billy was crying.

I had always struggled with my own feelings and found it even hard to deal with others, yet the sight of Billy laid there like this was literally tearing my fuckin heart wide open and I had to say something.

“Billy, shit I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“Just leave me alone Joe.”

“I can’t do that Billy, please at least look at me.”

I rolled off him and lay there beside him waiting for him to talk, not that he did and a few minutes later I realized that he was still crying and it was getting worse. I guess I did the only thing I could do, and that was to grab hold of him and pull him into my arms and hold him tight. At first Billy tried to fight me and move away, after a while his body went lax and he finally accepted that I wasn’t letting go.

“Billy talk to me; I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Maybe I’m the one now that wants more than your willing to give…”

“Such as?”

“I dreamt that I was with the band Jenifur, that they’d accepted me and I was finally moving onto the big time.”

“Yeah well, I thought that was what you were doing, despite I had to find that out from someone else Billy. Do you really hate me that fuckin much, you’d just sell out and leave without even telling me?”

“It’s not like that Joe, shit I hallucinated loads of shit and you with the gun was the final straw.”

“What you want to leave because of your fucked up drug deprived hallucinations?”

“Calm down Joe.”

“Fuck you Billy, fuck you for doing this to me and leaving me…”

“I’m not leaving Joe.”

“What?”

“I said I’m not leaving, I realized that I can’t leave because I fuckin love you. Hell, I’m even going to stay knowing I’m torturing myself as you don’t feel the same way.”

“You fuckin idiot.”

“Gee thanks Joe.”

“Billy I love you and always have, I’ve always wanted you as far more than just a friend too.”

“Yeah well I want commitment Joe, there won’t be anyone else if we become lovers.”

“Don’t you get it Billy; the rest were all substitutes because I couldn’t have you.”

“So, it will just be the two of us then?”

“Just me and you Billy, you’ve always been the missing piece of the puzzle I am.”

I lay there thinking about the talk I had earlier with Pipe, he thought that I was already sleeping with Billy because of the noises coming from his room. So, I’d asked what the fuck he was talking about as I’d never touched Billy in that way. Both myself and Billy were trying to kick the drugs, so I was also stuck in my room by myself at the same time as him. Pipe told me about how I’d sneak out and go over to see Billy, sometimes he said I went without even getting dressed first.

I had no recollection of doing this and no recollection of touching Billy, to me tonight was perfect and the first time I’d had sex with him. Shit, then I thought about all my own strange dreams and hallucinations, how I was dead and spent my time visiting Billy and abusing him. I thought about this long and hard, then realized now wasn’t the time to tell Billy about my sleepwalking problem.

XXXXXXXXXX

The Puzzle I Am

By CarolelaineD

01/06/20


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